my

days are great and pass by fast. it's the nights that take so long, and get me back to that bad place. Such as right now.

I'm

miserable! I got the chills, but I'm sweating like mad. 102 degree temperature. These past three days have just been excellent.

In other news.

I'm so full of hate, which is weird because I've never felt hate like this in my whole life. I had always been free spirited, and I had always looked at the silver lining. I'm sure most people go through phases like this. It's like a cloud hanging above me, and I can't tell which direction is out. I was planning on experiencing something this week that I haven't experienced in awhile. I was hoping it'd help get rid of that cloud, and open my eyes. But now I guess I'll never know. I feel so much anger, hatred, and spite.

Last night my fever went from 98.6 to 102.4 in about an hour. I swear when you get that sick, and you're laying in bed, you seriously hallucinate. Every inch of my body hurt. That combined with the cloud made for a terrible night. My thoughts didn't make any sense, and I turned to someone who I knew wouldn't help. I shouldn't put the onus on people like that, expecting them to pull through for me.

I can't even put into words the disappointment i feel. In myself, in others... I've become a selfish being this summer. I've honestly thought about that for awhile now. I think that I just became more and more selfish throughout all of sophomore year. And finally when the cards didn't go my way, my true colors showed. Coming into sophomore year, I think I was in the best mindset I've ever been in. Coming out of sophomore year, I think i'm in the worst.

People always say that the grass is always greener on the other side. That's why nostalgia is a bitch, and so many people fall victim to it. I think that one's past sounds great, but in reality, its just as good as their present. You just have to look for it.

I'm a hippocrit.

O

well

That whole experience was devastating. I'll never be the same. The guilt, the images, the sounds... I'm responsible for it all. Clearly the worst time of my life.

literally

the craziest thing that's ever happened to me or my family ever. Seriously insane. I feel terrible.

lucky

me! turns out my ipod fell out of my pocket in my grandpas backyard! too bad it sat in the pouring rain of connecticut literally all night.... fortunately it still works! : ]


Things I have walked away with over the past 4 days:

1. Harry Potter rocks. I'm reading number 7 right now, and i'm trying to space it out so i can read on the flight home, but i can't help myself...

2. Kings of Leon are fuh-nominal. I would say they're the best band out right now!

3. Tell the people you love you love them.

grrrrreat

I'm on vacation and i've already lost my ipod, and now my phone isn't working.... gah. I'm using my mom's blackberry for now, but i have no idea how to use it. Also. I don't like being ignored.

i've become

jaded. hated. overrated. hateful. doubtful. addicted. sad. lonely. angry. confused. disappointed. crushed. annoyed. grouchy. mean. apathetic. tired. overlooked. careless. hopeless.

But I have not become nostalgic. Because there's a reason the past is the past.

this is where i am

I really haven't felt like this in my whole life. It's a constant struggle to wake up every morning and falling asleep at night is always the worst part of my day.

I want to say how I truly feel, and why i feel that way, but I'm honestly ashamed of myself. I'm embarrassed that i've sunken so low. I'm embarrassed that I'm actually posting on this blog. I'm embarrassed that I'm dying for school to come back around.

Like i said in my last post, I'm not responsible for the things that may happen over this summer (or over my life for that matter). I'm on my own with nobody guiding me or supporting me. When somebody gets beat up as I am, and they're like me, they may end up doing some things that aren't actually the best way to go about solving problems.

God i have so much anger in me. So much sadness. I can't get away from it no matter how much i try. My life revolves around it now, which is sick.

The fact my situation is eating up my whole being, and the other person who is part of the situation doesn't feel an ounce of the pain that I do just feeds my anger and sadness even more. You're becoming a stranger to me, and I think you're trying to be one. That hurts more than you'll ever know.

I've been trying to rethink my life. But when i do that, i feel like it's useless.

All I want is somebody. Somebody who wants to be my somebody. Somebody who feels for me like i feel for them. Even if i don't see that somebody often, the fact that we'd be thinking of eachother would be enough.

Time to turn to all i have left.

I'm not responsible

for the things that may happen.