when the going gets tough

well i'm sitting in my room while the rest of my family is downstairs. I feel so weird... today wasn't that good of one.

Band practice was better than the last one. This time we came with some songs prepared, but for some reason eric didn't feel up to learning Hey Joe (which was the song i was most excited for). Purple Stain didn't sound great, but it was alright. Santeria was a mess. I'm not sure what it was... it wasn't in alex's vocal register, eric's bass sounded off, and my guitar was sloppy.

Writing wise it was pretty good. I showed the band this song i had written, and they liked it. I originally wrote the song as a love song, and i actually had words for it. I'm gonna let alex write new lyrics because he's the singer, but i feel kinda sad letting go of the words i had written haha. I just feel the melody and the rythym call for those words. I don't know. Maybe alex's words will find their way into my head.




So i wrote an entire extra part to this post, but when i finished writing it, i read it over, and realized that i didn't agree with anything i was saying? god damn i change my mind alot. So i'm just gonna say how I feel in as few words as possible.

I feel alone. But at the same time i feel so surrounded by loved ones, that i'm happy as can be. I feel like i don't know what i want. But at the same time, i know exactly what i want, and i'm doing a pretty damn good job at getting it! I feel lost, like i have no direction. And that makes me feel two ways. 1: oh my god no direction is scary as hell, and 2: whatever. takes life in as it goes. you're life is damn good! relaaaaaxxxxxx: ]

yeah, so basically i feel two emotions for alot of things. Its an inner struggle really! But hey, i know that everyone is fighting their own little fight. so hang in there, i promise you'll make it out the other end.

and

today was brilliant : ]

So my band is going to pick up three new covers. "Purple Stain", "Hey Joe", and "Santeria". I'm really glad that they listened to me when i said we need to cover more songs. Everyone has been so keen on writing our own material, which don't get me wrong, i know writing is so so important. But when you start a band, you need to be able to rock a show with some covers! it's healthy for growing as a band, and plus, people like covers!

Also, its pretty hard being in a band with a bunch of guys who want to write music, when alot of the pressure is on you to write. (Though i secretly love it.) haha i don't know. Anyways... today was great.

once again, also, i'm pretty sure only one person is going to read this post, and you know who you are. You're so... i don't even know. i try to say something original and romantic everytime! Just know that you mean so much to me. Because of you, i'm in an incredibly good place right now. Thank you : ]

well

god damn. i don't even know. i sat down here to type up some long post on anything, and i don't even know what to write. i'm listening to "unreachable" by john frusciante, in my room with my black light on. quite the effect! today was christmas, and it was pretty great. though i saw this movie called the curious case of benjamin button. It was 40 minutes too long, and it was incredibly depressing.

It makes you feel like nothing in this world is permanent. absolutely nothing. which is such a fucking lonely feeling. it also makes you feel like that in your lifetime, you will peak, and after that's happened, your life will never be as good as it was. blah. fuck that.

So i've been thinking... jdiowhqduilsbajdwuiyqgdsa. i like how when you're happy all you see is the brighter side of things, and when you're down, all you see is the worst in everything. a vicious circle indeed.

a little

sad. that's only because there are some around me who aren't happy, and i can't make them happy. that makes me sad.

but... overall, i guess i'm good! it's christmas eve, and it'll be christmas in about 11 minutes. woohoo!

I change my mind alot

i'm pretty sure what i said last night was bullshit. haha i don't know. I'm definitely feeling the connection between us. God she's so great : ]


on another note, i haven't fucking bought anything for anyone this christmas. I have to get on top of that! i'm getting my mom slippers, and who knows what for the rest of my family. i'll literally make it up on the spot.

Also, yesterday my band had a pretty unproductive band practice. We made the mistake assuming that we could just show up, and write. So when we got there, it basically was just them staring at me waiting for me to come up with something. That's an unhealthy way to go about things. I now know that most of my writing will have to take place in my own house, while i'm alone. I can just sit in my own broth of creativity, and have no pressure on me.

Not sure

what to do with myself. I'm in a relationship with the girl of my dreams. I'm just so so into her. But i can't help but have the feeling she doesn't feel the same way. I don't even know why. She's great, and she seems happy. I guess i'm just always insecure about things. I get this vibe that i'm so much more into her than she is me. And it makes me really quite sad.

changed my mind

not in a good mood. my grade point average is official, and its the worst i have ever done. I blame the drugs...

that's a lie. i blame myself.

Mornings

are so so so refreshing. I'm pretty sure its a fact that the first hour of anyones day is the best. (that is if it doesn't involve doing anything, such as going to school.) Even though i still have to go to classical guitar and spanish today, i don't care at all. I'm in a much better mood from last night. A good nights sleep with do that to ya i guess.

But i have to admit i am still completely stressed out over the fact that i have a shitload of speech work to do. Like school, i put off alot of my speech work. I'm going to try to fit in two weeks worth of work into three hours after school today. that is certainly an equation for disaster! My poetry isn't clear enough on the theme, my drama makes me feel stupid, and don't even get me started on my duo. Dating duo partner=getting no work done at all. on a lighter note, i'm going to california tomorrow with the whole speech team! it's seriously going to be the highlight of the year so far (at least i hope so).

God damn! it sucks knowing that even with finals over, my break hasn't come. I still have this stressful weekend to come to grips with. At least i have disneyland to kick off a great break.

FUCK

well now that the first day of finals is over, i have a basic idea of what my GPA is. And well fuck. Not what i want it to be. I'm capable of so much better and i know it. I just don't apply myself. its a terrible habit, and i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to break it. every semester its "this time i'll do better, i won't fuck up." well, yeah, i'm saying that again. But looking at my past, its clear to see that i won't do better. i'll just end up being me, and not try.

But then again i do try. I try at what i care for. School isn't at the top of my priorities. Is that a bad thing? I feel like i know what i want to do in life, and school doesn't effect how it turns out. But what if ten years down the line i realized that banking on one thing was the biggest fucking mistake i've ever made. Maybe i'll wake up one day, 30 years old, without a clue what i'm doing with myself just because i didn't apply myself at an earlier age. That's one of my greatest fears.

Something

needs figuring out : D