Well

the onus has a chance to sign a two year contract with this manager. She would make 10% of whatever we pull in. The only problem is that if we do sign, by law we cannot sign with any other person to represent for two whole years...

what am i ever going to do.

speech and debate plus a serious contract with a manager most likely spells disaster.

I have much thinking to do.

Don't get me wrong, this is a huge step forward for the band! (We were also invited to play at the sets and the clubhouse in september. hope to see ya'll there!) Everything for me lately has had a pessismistic tone to it, and honestly i've hated every last minute of the past 2 months. This decision will be pretty life changing.. If i follow through on it, I wonder where it will take the onus. I wonder where it will take me.

I need something new. I don't think i can continue existing like i do now. Otherwise i'll explode with frustration, sadness, and disappointment. The thing is, if we do sign the contract, speech and debate may take the backseat.. I'm not sure if that's what I want. On one hand, speech and debate makes me so happy and gives me reason to go to school every day. On the other hand speech and debate is also why I have to deal with the frustration, sadness, and disappointment every day.

God dammit. Why couldn't life be easier?!?!

my

days are great and pass by fast. it's the nights that take so long, and get me back to that bad place. Such as right now.

I'm

miserable! I got the chills, but I'm sweating like mad. 102 degree temperature. These past three days have just been excellent.

In other news.

I'm so full of hate, which is weird because I've never felt hate like this in my whole life. I had always been free spirited, and I had always looked at the silver lining. I'm sure most people go through phases like this. It's like a cloud hanging above me, and I can't tell which direction is out. I was planning on experiencing something this week that I haven't experienced in awhile. I was hoping it'd help get rid of that cloud, and open my eyes. But now I guess I'll never know. I feel so much anger, hatred, and spite.

Last night my fever went from 98.6 to 102.4 in about an hour. I swear when you get that sick, and you're laying in bed, you seriously hallucinate. Every inch of my body hurt. That combined with the cloud made for a terrible night. My thoughts didn't make any sense, and I turned to someone who I knew wouldn't help. I shouldn't put the onus on people like that, expecting them to pull through for me.

I can't even put into words the disappointment i feel. In myself, in others... I've become a selfish being this summer. I've honestly thought about that for awhile now. I think that I just became more and more selfish throughout all of sophomore year. And finally when the cards didn't go my way, my true colors showed. Coming into sophomore year, I think I was in the best mindset I've ever been in. Coming out of sophomore year, I think i'm in the worst.

People always say that the grass is always greener on the other side. That's why nostalgia is a bitch, and so many people fall victim to it. I think that one's past sounds great, but in reality, its just as good as their present. You just have to look for it.

I'm a hippocrit.

O

well

That whole experience was devastating. I'll never be the same. The guilt, the images, the sounds... I'm responsible for it all. Clearly the worst time of my life.

literally

the craziest thing that's ever happened to me or my family ever. Seriously insane. I feel terrible.

lucky

me! turns out my ipod fell out of my pocket in my grandpas backyard! too bad it sat in the pouring rain of connecticut literally all night.... fortunately it still works! : ]


Things I have walked away with over the past 4 days:

1. Harry Potter rocks. I'm reading number 7 right now, and i'm trying to space it out so i can read on the flight home, but i can't help myself...

2. Kings of Leon are fuh-nominal. I would say they're the best band out right now!

3. Tell the people you love you love them.

grrrrreat

I'm on vacation and i've already lost my ipod, and now my phone isn't working.... gah. I'm using my mom's blackberry for now, but i have no idea how to use it. Also. I don't like being ignored.

i've become

jaded. hated. overrated. hateful. doubtful. addicted. sad. lonely. angry. confused. disappointed. crushed. annoyed. grouchy. mean. apathetic. tired. overlooked. careless. hopeless.

But I have not become nostalgic. Because there's a reason the past is the past.

this is where i am

I really haven't felt like this in my whole life. It's a constant struggle to wake up every morning and falling asleep at night is always the worst part of my day.

I want to say how I truly feel, and why i feel that way, but I'm honestly ashamed of myself. I'm embarrassed that i've sunken so low. I'm embarrassed that I'm actually posting on this blog. I'm embarrassed that I'm dying for school to come back around.

Like i said in my last post, I'm not responsible for the things that may happen over this summer (or over my life for that matter). I'm on my own with nobody guiding me or supporting me. When somebody gets beat up as I am, and they're like me, they may end up doing some things that aren't actually the best way to go about solving problems.

God i have so much anger in me. So much sadness. I can't get away from it no matter how much i try. My life revolves around it now, which is sick.

The fact my situation is eating up my whole being, and the other person who is part of the situation doesn't feel an ounce of the pain that I do just feeds my anger and sadness even more. You're becoming a stranger to me, and I think you're trying to be one. That hurts more than you'll ever know.

I've been trying to rethink my life. But when i do that, i feel like it's useless.

All I want is somebody. Somebody who wants to be my somebody. Somebody who feels for me like i feel for them. Even if i don't see that somebody often, the fact that we'd be thinking of eachother would be enough.

Time to turn to all i have left.

I'm not responsible

for the things that may happen.

You

really are heartless.

i really

really. wanna talk to you. bad.

up

i saw up! today. it was pretty cool. 3D and everything! other than that, today was mediocre. like every other day of summer i've had so far. I just want school to come already.

today

wasn't much better.

meh

i'm unhappy. today stinks.

mmmm

happiness : ]

so

i haven't posted in so so long. and honestly it might be awhile before i post again.

Right now i'm in a weird place. I don't know how i feel about it.

high school.

Quite an interesting place to be.

I know friends grow apart. It sucks. It's just part of life! but still. sometimes its really hard to deal with. sometimes the growing apart is over the silliest things. and i hate that.

I miss a lot of things. But at the same time, there are things in my life right now that are so perfect that the things that i miss don't even matter. Today was a scary day. I don't want to lose something that i've worked at so much for. I'm doing what i'm doing for a reason. Because i know it's what i want, and i hope it's mutual.

I'm kinda sad. I want a certain somebody right now. I miss her.

i feel

so sick. Never shall i ever drink one of my delicious smoothies this fast again.

(yes. i'm back in the habit of making my delicious smoothies. Best habit ever!)

sooooooooooooooooo.

This was a very odd weekend for me. it felt very eventful for me and very uneventful at the same time. Friday night was lovely. went to the melting pot, and then watched a movie afterwards at my house. Melting pot was delicious, and the movie was really fun : ]


Saturday through sunday was interesting. I'm not gonna really post about it because it would take way too long to describe my epicly long and boring weekend haha (So i guess it wasn't interesting?)


so lets blog about something interesting! (i'm over using the word interesting)

how about music?

naw. that'd be too like me. (all i post about is my band)

how about changing who we are as people? yes. i've been thinking about that alot this weekend.
(Not much else to do.)

question: How does one change something about themselves that needs to be changed?

answer: By taking the initiative, and by using will power. First off, make sure the change that you are instilling within yourself is a good change. Not all change needs to be immediate. Sometimes baby steps are very effective. (believe me.) I'm trying to change, and I'm sure the benefits outweigh the negatives. I don't absolutely need the change. But I want to because it'll mean the happiness and love of another. There was alot of downtime for me this weekend. it was hard for me, i'm not gonna lie haha.

I'm so unfamiliar with boredom. I don't know what to do with it. I fear it. I loathe it. I truly believe it is my greatest practical fear. I don't know why. I mean, it's not like when i get bored, i'm terrified and start crying. It's just that when i'm bored i don't know what to do with myself. I get depressed. Sometimes i get really depressed.

I think that's why i turned to so many things i have in the past. They never let me get bored. And now that i'm slowly weaning myself from those things, I'm finding that i have more and more time with nothing to do. I play lots of guitar. I watch lots of tv. But i feel like no matter how much time i spend doing the two, they will never be enough to fill the downtime i have. It's hard for me.

Now, i know that everyone has to put up with the same shit i do. I really don't want to come across as a complainer (though i think i am coming across as one). Everyone has their stupid flaws. i guess mine is time management.

Anyways! back to people changing parts of themselves! Change can be difficult. Change can be so fucking hard you don't know how to go about doing it. But just remember the reason why you're changing. If it's not worth the change, then maybe you're wasting your time. But maybe it is worth the change. And if it is, then please god. Change.


(by the way. every comment i made in parentheses was made after the original post when i reread it. yep. i'm bored. uh oh haha)

some thoughts

well i haven't really posted anything in a long while. and i also don't really know what to post about.

I guess i can talk about how i'm feeling right now.

Well for one thing. School. sucks. big. time. Yeah yeah, it's my fault that i didn't apply myself as much as i could have. and people telling me that really doesn't help. It's not like i don't already know.

Band wise everythings good. We got alot of material on the way. We haven't posted anything on myspace for agesssss because we've hit a few bumps along the way. But i feel we're fully recovered now, and will have at least 2 or 3 new songs up within a week or two. and we'll certainly have more coming very soon. it's just hard recording so much material. it takes time. and money.


I'm in a blah mood right now. I want to post something really awesome and really thought provoking. But i just don't think i have it in me tonight. A few thoughts on my mind. some great. and some make me feel sick to my stomach.

I'm driving alot! at least 20-30 minutes a day. Doesn't sound like that much, but i'm starting to get the hang of it for sure. Easy as pie.

Reading a new book. It's called the broker, by john grisham. it's very good if i do say so myself. it kinda makes me want to be a lawyer or something. (which is ironic because it's about lawyers and brokers being killed.)

I need sleep. When i wake up, i'll be in a much better mood! Maybe next post will be better. sorry!