Well

the onus has a chance to sign a two year contract with this manager. She would make 10% of whatever we pull in. The only problem is that if we do sign, by law we cannot sign with any other person to represent for two whole years...

what am i ever going to do.

speech and debate plus a serious contract with a manager most likely spells disaster.

I have much thinking to do.

Don't get me wrong, this is a huge step forward for the band! (We were also invited to play at the sets and the clubhouse in september. hope to see ya'll there!) Everything for me lately has had a pessismistic tone to it, and honestly i've hated every last minute of the past 2 months. This decision will be pretty life changing.. If i follow through on it, I wonder where it will take the onus. I wonder where it will take me.

I need something new. I don't think i can continue existing like i do now. Otherwise i'll explode with frustration, sadness, and disappointment. The thing is, if we do sign the contract, speech and debate may take the backseat.. I'm not sure if that's what I want. On one hand, speech and debate makes me so happy and gives me reason to go to school every day. On the other hand speech and debate is also why I have to deal with the frustration, sadness, and disappointment every day.

God dammit. Why couldn't life be easier?!?!

my

days are great and pass by fast. it's the nights that take so long, and get me back to that bad place. Such as right now.

I'm

miserable! I got the chills, but I'm sweating like mad. 102 degree temperature. These past three days have just been excellent.

In other news.

I'm so full of hate, which is weird because I've never felt hate like this in my whole life. I had always been free spirited, and I had always looked at the silver lining. I'm sure most people go through phases like this. It's like a cloud hanging above me, and I can't tell which direction is out. I was planning on experiencing something this week that I haven't experienced in awhile. I was hoping it'd help get rid of that cloud, and open my eyes. But now I guess I'll never know. I feel so much anger, hatred, and spite.

Last night my fever went from 98.6 to 102.4 in about an hour. I swear when you get that sick, and you're laying in bed, you seriously hallucinate. Every inch of my body hurt. That combined with the cloud made for a terrible night. My thoughts didn't make any sense, and I turned to someone who I knew wouldn't help. I shouldn't put the onus on people like that, expecting them to pull through for me.

I can't even put into words the disappointment i feel. In myself, in others... I've become a selfish being this summer. I've honestly thought about that for awhile now. I think that I just became more and more selfish throughout all of sophomore year. And finally when the cards didn't go my way, my true colors showed. Coming into sophomore year, I think I was in the best mindset I've ever been in. Coming out of sophomore year, I think i'm in the worst.

People always say that the grass is always greener on the other side. That's why nostalgia is a bitch, and so many people fall victim to it. I think that one's past sounds great, but in reality, its just as good as their present. You just have to look for it.

I'm a hippocrit.

O

well

That whole experience was devastating. I'll never be the same. The guilt, the images, the sounds... I'm responsible for it all. Clearly the worst time of my life.

literally

the craziest thing that's ever happened to me or my family ever. Seriously insane. I feel terrible.

lucky

me! turns out my ipod fell out of my pocket in my grandpas backyard! too bad it sat in the pouring rain of connecticut literally all night.... fortunately it still works! : ]


Things I have walked away with over the past 4 days:

1. Harry Potter rocks. I'm reading number 7 right now, and i'm trying to space it out so i can read on the flight home, but i can't help myself...

2. Kings of Leon are fuh-nominal. I would say they're the best band out right now!

3. Tell the people you love you love them.